Letter from the President
Seek First to Understand
Everyone wants to be heard. How many times have you been in a heated debate with a loved one, co-worker, boss, and the way it was left was with one person winning, and one person losing; or worse both people walking away feeling nothing was accomplished. The heated debate allowed both parties to vent their frustration and anger, but neither party had the experience of feeling heard or understood, so in the end, both people walked away feeling empty and separate.
What if before we felt the need to speak, justify, and defend, we actually took on the art of truly listening to the other person’s point of view? Consider what would be possible if when you were listening, you listened for the sake of understanding, and not for the sake of justifying or defending your position. How would business meetings be different? How about parent/teen relationships? What about relationships in general? Of course, this is easier said than done, and sitting behind my lap top is a much safer place to say than to do. Every day I need to practice the discipline of seeking to understand.
What I have learned throughout my studies in business, relationships, as well as in management and child rearing, is that the immediate response of most people, whether it be to a customer complaint or in an accountability conversation with a subordinate, it is human nature to stop listening within the first few minutes of the conflict, and begin building a case to ‘fight back.’ Where does this response come from? It may be the flight or fight syndrome, or the human mechanics of the response/stimuli that we are all built with. Certain theories are that it is the four-year old in all of us, who needs to be right, or it may be that in that particular situation we truly are right.
What Covey speaks about in living a principle-centered life is that if you are truly interested in creating win/win relationships, then you must alter the way you engage in conflict. Seek first to put yourself in someone else’s shoes (also easier said than done), then listen for their thoughts, feelings, perspective and really get them; when you can understand (not necessarily agree) where they are coming from; then it is fair to get your perspective on the table. Keep in mind that you are not trying to convince, or cajole anyone to see the world through your eyes, as persuading or manipulating people is the antithesis of building win/win relationships. Furthermore going into a conversation looking for everyone to see your way, whether in a sales call or a conflict situation will only set you up for unfilled expectations, or worse it will foster the initiation of an inauthentic/mistrusting relationship.
So, how do we apply this in the day to day running and operating of our lives?
Let’s start with finding a job. Before you can find a job that is truly a fit for you, it is really important to find out why your prospective employer would even be interested in you. A candidate who is extremely hungry and motivated for a certain opportunity almost always will outperform someone who is in the role simply because the job was open and they felt that they could do the job. Want power equals will power, and will power outweighs skill power in almost every career opportunity that you are looking to fulfill upon. Knowing who your prospective employer is and what inspires them leads to knowing your potential boss. When you understand what your potential boss is really interested in, you are more empowered to act as an extraordinary employee who is proactive and plans ahead, rather than an employee who needs to be micromanaged.
How about your relationship with your boss once you're on the job? Are you interested in what their goals and objectives are, or are you waiting with baited breath to give them your reasons and excuses for not achieving your expectations? When you understand what your company is about, what the corporate goals and objectives are, and how you play a critical role in achieving those goals, you are more likely to have powerful conversations with your boss, regardless of where you are at in your level of achievement.
What about in sales and service communications? How versed are you in putting yourself in another’s shoes? If you are in the people business, or if you earn your living by interacting with people, understanding the fundamental human interactive modes of communication and personality styles will powerfully leverage your ability to interact with others and improve your personal effectiveness. Understanding the person on the other end of the phone or desk begins with appreciating that everyone hears communications through their specific mode of listening or their filter. Some people are ruled by their fears, others by their motivations, and everyone’s fear and motivations are different. If you are an influencing, persuasive communicator who speaks in stories and at a rapid pace, and your listener is of the conscientious mind set, you would be very well served if you altered your message to be more concise, factual, and you slowed your rate of speech, so their experience of you is that you are actually concerned for their well being.
This is just a teaser in the world of seeking first to understand. Whether you are a seasoned sales executive, a manager, or a career customer service associate, learning to understand and work with the many different personality types and communication styles, very well might be the best training and personal development, with the highest return on investment you have ever experienced.
Cause Your Own Greatness,
Margaret Graziano
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Seeking to Understand
There have been a handful of professional breakthroughs in my own career, and the most powerful one that was instrumental in launching me to the next level is personal listening. When I gained the knowledge of communication differences and how I can adapt my innate style to the style of others, my professional relationships improved, and the best distinguisher is that they trust me, and I was able to communicate successfully with more than 25% of all clients and potential clients.
In the past, I had always assumed that there were certain people that I got along with, and certain people that I just could not connect with, and that was the way the world was to me. I knew that I liked and effectively communicated with those people who were similar to me, and stayed as far away as possible from those who were not. Now through my continuous education and advancement in the workplace, I am able to not only identify a person’s communication style upon first meeting them, but I can then understand that, and modify my communication so there will not be the oil and vinegar conundrum.
Now, that I have the ability to enhance communication, I can take that a step further and apply that to my listening. If it is not a constant struggle to get your point across, then that opens the door to effective listening as well. When you are able to communicate back and forth in the same style of communication, and listen to others’ viewpoints with open ears all the time, ideally, imagine the rapport and relationships that can be built through that. In sales you would have a larger book of business, in management you would have an open respectful team supporting you, and in customer service you would provide Raving Fan service.
Professionally, I know that breaking through the barriers of communication have opened me to a much larger pool of industry contacts and clients. Now I am glad to be able to share that knowledge with anyone who is interested in expanding, adapting and succeeding.
Kirsten Hollesen
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